Please, Don't Let This Be Just Another...

These past few days have been amazing. It was definately what i needed after such a long period of 'blahness' in my life, such a long period of feeling so distant from God. It was absolutely amazing to just get away from it all, all the stresses, all the burdens, and just bask in the wonderful nature of God and in the love of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I LOVE Deerpark! :) and i will never forget my first time there<3, because not only was it fun, but it was also moving. I came to this retreat thirsty, deperate, lost, and confused. But throughout these three days, there were some really important realizations and reconnections that were made :) and i am so thankful for that.

Well, before we headed out, I promised myself that over this retreat, i would try my best to reconnect with God. I wanted to spend that long forgotten time i once had with him, and just be alone in his nature. If you haven't noticed already, i LOVE nature! :D Breathing in the air, and just losing myself in its beauty & all its wonderful detail. So the next morning after we arrived, i headed out to do just that. I just desperately needed to be alone to clear my mind from all the clutter (sorry again group, i didnt know we were suppose to have group QTs >< i love you guys :)<3). And i must say, it was refreshing to have that time alone with God again. Soooo, as you guys know, i wound up at the gazebo, which caught my eye when we first arrived :D, early in the mornin' to just do QTs, which i haven't done in awhilee, and i mean like AWHILLE! When i got there, and sat down, it was so quiet & peaceful. But after praying for awhile, i was at a loss on what verse i should do my QT on. And after scrambling around the bible a bit, i looked up and saw little writings engraved on the roof of the gazebo. These verses really hit home ><

Lamentations 3:19-26
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I remember them,
and my soul downcast within me
Yet this i call to mind
and therefore i have hope
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is You faithfulness
I say to myself "The Lord is my portion;
therefore i will wait for him"
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord

I couldn't help but feel God emphasizing the importance of waiting quietly for him & seeking him. His compassions are new every morning, and these verses hit hard, because i lack commitment and don't value the quiet time i have with God as much as i should. These past few weeks i have run hungry and dry, but i realize that its because i stopped having that time with God. There were some things that i felt guilty and shameful about, so i pushed God away, i was also lazy too. And since then i have been suffering and falling away from God even more, because i felt guilty about turning from him. It's a horrible cycle. I thought life was just bombarding me with pain an struggle, when it was really me who brought it upon myself. It was because i stopped seeking God, that i lacked the strength and will i needed to get through. I really needed to be reminded of how vital that time we spend with God is, and i may be reiterating myself, but it is what gives us hope. It is what renews us and restores us and gives us rest. I know that i need God to fill my cup every day and renew my heart and mind everyday, because i know that i am weak. It hit me in the face, that i need discipline to seek God every day, even when every fiber of my being doesn't 'feel' like it. And i may fail sometimes, but I need the discipline to seek God even in times of trouble; instead of running from him, he should be the one i run to first. Because i dont have to be afraid because of my guilt and shame, but i know now that i can approach the throne of grace with confidence, because the Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, and to the one who seeks him.

Secondly, i just wanted to talk about that night, YES that night :P The night when we were all crying out desperately to God. I thank God for touching our hearts and moving in us. But i pray that after all the high and all the emotions pass, that we will not return back to the way we were before. I've been through this so many times. The hype and then the crash. When will it end? But through God, and constant reminders and messages, i realize why i so easily fell from my hyped up state of being after i returned to my regular life. It's because i had no real foundation. I did not press to continue and to have that relationship with God. But now, im tired. I'm tired of all of the times i cried out so desperately to God, shouted, and cried my heart out, but forgot everything and fell from God just a couple days later. How many times do we have to go through the same thing? I'm tired of hype. What i need is CHANGE. Because if i don't learn to change my life and turn from my wicked ways, nothing else matters- not the tears i cry, the hands i raise, or the prayers i make. So God, change me, transform me, humble me, renew me. I empty everything i have and i give it all to you- all my pain and suffering, all these distractions, all these hindrances, all my hope and dreams, all this clutter, all the burdens, all the suffering. Take it all, i'm letting go of everything. Lord fill me. I need you to fill my cup every day of my life because i drain out so easily. I know that change won't happen over night, and that i must persevere in my walk with God, because i really don't want to go back to how i use to be. Lord, don't let me forget you and the compassions you have for me.

I pray that everything we said that night, would not all just be empty promises. I pray God, that this time it would really be different, and that we would seek you and treasure and enjoy that quiet time with you, that we would seek to be renewed and restored by your water and filled every day, because we desperately need that foundation in you, your spirit, and in your word. Instill in us the desire to want to know you more and everything you have to offer us. And finally, i pray for commitment and discipline to seek you even when everything is going wrong, and even when we are tired and weary, because you Lord are good to those whose hope is in you, to the one who seeks you.