truth be told, it hurts to say....it was just another...

Despite everything, i've found myself spiral down in my spiritual life..now it has somewhat stabalized to just living every day life. But who needs that? I need more than that..I honestly want to bang my head against the wall, for making stupid decisions and for just being a plain idiot. i look at myself and see a hypocrite, someone who has made so many empty promises and knowingly fallen and pushed aside God, DESPITE all that he has done, despite all he has given. I thought i was capable of change. but is it possible that i'll just remain stagnant for the rest of my life? I find myself asking "what is WRONG with you?!" way to often. I can't stand myself. But then again maybe i should follow my own advice. In this life you live, if you don't like what you see, then change the way you live your life. But no matter how hard i try, it never seems to work. Maybe there is still some important realization to be made, but shouldn't just trusting and going to God as i am be enough? shouldn't his grace be enough for me to want to draw nearer to him? Maybe i just need to look within myself...what is it that i truly want? what is it that i truly want to change? and how am i going to do it? Last week Virgil talked about christians being destroyed because of their lack of knowledge...maybe not wanting to live my life in complete ignorance will be enough to push me. but right now i feel so unworthy, i regret the way i have lived my life, especially after all i said and promised to God during the spring retreat. i don't want to just draw closer to God, but i want to break out of this horrible cyclee..