Today I realized that it doesn't matter how you are with others, how you act around friends and family, the way you portray yourself in public, that defines who you really are. It all boils down to simply the thoughts you have within you, what you think about before falling asleep, who you are when nobody is around- when there is no one there to impress, no one there to make you laugh, to distract you from your true inner being. I realize that half of the time we all put up a facade. With others it seems like nothing is wrong, but when the day comes to a close the pain and these thoughts are still there to haunt us. Barely do we let people in, to see our innermost thoughts, our scars- because it's scary to feel vulnerable. It's easier to be happy-go-lucky, or atleast pretend to be. But to be honest, it's so tiring. I can't remember the last time I had an honest conversation. I want to truly be able to know someone and be able to get past the surface act. What I really hope for is that one day we'll be brave enough to talk to eachother about these scary, intimate things, because how are we suppose to help and support each other if we haven't got the slightest clue what the other is going through? I want to stop being ingorant myself, its a falsified bliss. I want to be someone who truly cares for others and what they are going through. I want that kind of heart. It pains me to see everyone at church just having a ball, too distracted, too busy, too afraid to reach out to those who are obviously hurting. It makes me wonder why I'm here, is this only a place to hang out? Or a place of loving, supporting Christians? But I must say, I am guilty of all these things, being too distracted, too busy, too ignorant, or too afraid to reach out to others. I want to change that though, because the last thing I want now is to perpetuate the cycle of masked bliss, where our real issues are never addressed or dealt with, and therefore the cycle continues. That is the last thing I want to see in the people who I care about so deeply.
