Tuesday, June 7, 2011
truth be told, it hurts to say....it was just another...
Despite everything, i've found myself spiral down in my spiritual life..now it has somewhat stabalized to just living every day life. But who needs that? I need more than that..I honestly want to bang my head against the wall, for making stupid decisions and for just being a plain idiot. i look at myself and see a hypocrite, someone who has made so many empty promises and knowingly fallen and pushed aside God, DESPITE all that he has done, despite all he has given. I thought i was capable of change. but is it possible that i'll just remain stagnant for the rest of my life? I find myself asking "what is WRONG with you?!" way to often. I can't stand myself. But then again maybe i should follow my own advice. In this life you live, if you don't like what you see, then change the way you live your life. But no matter how hard i try, it never seems to work. Maybe there is still some important realization to be made, but shouldn't just trusting and going to God as i am be enough? shouldn't his grace be enough for me to want to draw nearer to him? Maybe i just need to look within myself...what is it that i truly want? what is it that i truly want to change? and how am i going to do it? Last week Virgil talked about christians being destroyed because of their lack of knowledge...maybe not wanting to live my life in complete ignorance will be enough to push me. but right now i feel so unworthy, i regret the way i have lived my life, especially after all i said and promised to God during the spring retreat. i don't want to just draw closer to God, but i want to break out of this horrible cyclee..
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Hey Rebekah, I want you to know that we all make mistakes, we all make stupid decision including myself time after time, but we can't beat ourselves over it.
ReplyDeleteTrusting IS enough, sometimes it may seem like he's not even there, that you're struggling and going through all these hardships yourself, but God knows everything.
You shouldn't feel unworthy, you're a child of God...no matter how we are and what we do, God STILL excepts us. be patient and don't give, hang in there.
I'll be praying for you...
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ReplyDeleteHey Rebekah, this is where you have it wrong. It is up to God and the Holy Spirit to change you. It is the grace of God and the Holy Spirit who is working. Put your hope and trust in HIM! Through experience, I perceive the Holy Spirit in us as this. The Holy Spirit is in us but we block it, lets say in a safe, because of our own arrogance and desires. The word of God is like a double edge sword sharp enough to cut through ANYTHING and set the Holy Spirit free to fill us and guide us. Stay in the word Rebekah and in prayer and you will see amazing fruits from your life!
ReplyDelete1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins,
2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.
3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath.
4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,
5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. - Ephesians 2:1-10